Team America Quotes
10“Hey Terrorist, Terrorize This.”
Team America does an incredible job of parodying the big-budget action movies of the time. In some cases, what happens on screen feels like it could be in any of those types of films. And since it’s being done with marionettes, the silliness of it becomes quite clear.
As with any good action movie, there are plenty of great corny one-liners, most memorably Lisa’s catchphrase “Hey terrorist, terrorize this.” No, it doesn’t make any sense but we could still see Sylvester Stallone saying this in a movie.
9“And If You Betray Us…”
And if you betray us, I’ll rip your f**king balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you s**t, you’ll s**t all over your balls, got it?
The movie has a lot of fun playing up the action movie archetypes within the team. One of the most entertaining members is Chris, the tough-talking, cynical badass. From the beginning, Chris shows nothing but contempt for Gary, the new member of the team and he’s not afraid to speak his mind.
Throughout the film, Chris continuously reminds Gary what kind of punishment awaits if he fails the team. The macho threatening gets increasingly more vulgar and ridiculous over time. It’s the kind of thing that could only spring from the imaginations of Parker and Stone.
8“Damn, I Missed Him.”
While an entire action film made with marionettes could have been a major disaster, the movie proves it’s not playing around with its first scene. Set in a beautiful looking recreation of Paris, the adventure kicks off with a massive action scene that allows Team America to be incredibly destructive, like all good action heroes.
As they take on a group of terrorists, they practically level the city themselves. Joe fires a missile at one of the targets but ends up destroying the Eiffel Tower instead. His mild reaction is pretty accurate to the damage we usually see in action movies.
7“Head Back To Base For Cocktails.”
While the team takes care of all the damage on the ground, they are backed up from their home base by Spottswoode. He is sort of Team America’s version of M from James Bond. Spottswoode oversees all the missions and helps motivate his team through sometimes inappropriate means. But even when the lives of thousands of people are on the line, Spottswoode knows the importance of a good party.
After defeating a terrorist group in Cairo, Spottswoode gives the command, “Head back to base for cocktails” where the after-party ensues. It’s the perfect Bond-esque cheesiness to throw in the mix.
6“I’ve Been To Iraq You Know.”
One of the most daring and hilarious aspects of Team America is how it takes aim at movie stars and their vocal political beliefs. The criticism is harsh and perhaps a bit unfair at times, but it’s hard not to laugh at some of the depictions of some of Hollywood’s biggest names.
One of the most memorable inclusions is Sean Penn who is shown constantly reminding people in a very pretentious way that he’s actually been to Iraq. Whether you agree with the politics of the joke or not, it is a funny gag that keeps getting funnier.
5“I Sense I’m Going Down!”
While most of the team has a standard cliché specialty, Sarah gets a fairly unique skill set as she is apparently a psychic. Certainly, having such an amazing ability would come in handy on this team. However, as we hilariously see throughout the film, her power seems to be nothing more than pointing out the obvious.
As the team is ambushed by North Korea fighter jets, Sarah’s plane is shot out of the sky. As it plummets to earth, she says “I sense I’m going down!” which isn’t super helpful.
4“See There Are Three Kinds Of People…”
See there are three kinds of people: d**ks, p***ies, and a**holes.
Team America follows the outline of a typical action movie pretty closely which means there is a section leading into the final act in which the team hits rock bottom. After failing to stop another attack, Gary loses faith in his abilities and falls into a drunken stupor.
A fellow barfly decides to give Gary some advice about the world, then proceeds to go into a long and vulgar explanation of the types of people in the world. As ridiculous as it is, it does make some sense. Gary even uses it as his big speech at the end which allows them to defeat the bad guys.
3“Pearl Harbor Sucked And I Miss You.”
With all the over-the-top action and patriotic themes, Michael Bay seems like the most obvious target for most of the film’s humor. But if you didn’t pick up on that for most of the film, they include a song that really hammers home the filmmakers’ opinions on Bay’s films.
The song entitled “End of an Act” is performed as a melancholy love ballad but includes lyrics like “I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the point when he made Pearl Harbor“. It also repeatedly repeats the line “Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you.” Not very subtle.
It’s pretty amazing how a silly movie with puppets can create a joke that still haunts one of Hollywood’s biggest stars to this day.
Matt Damon is one of the many celebrities included in the movie, but when Parker and Stone saw the puppet design, they were struck by how dumb he looked. Instead of redesign the puppet they simply made Damon portrayed as an imbecile who only repeats his own name over and over. Despite his amazing film career, it’s hard not to picture Damon this way at times.
1“America. F**K Yeah!”
Not only does the movie succeed at being a fairly impressive action film with marionettes, but it also happens to be a pretty entertaining musical. Parker and Stone have a talent for crafting hilarious, clever and catchy tunes and the theme song for this movie might just be one of their best.
The song takes the kind of raw-raw patriotic rock songs you might hear in these action movies and cuts away all the nonsense. The simplistic and increasingly aggressive lyrics make it a laugh-out-loud tune that is guaranteed to get stuck in your head.
Funniest Movie Quotes From Team America
- Matt Damon: I’m Matt Damon. (repeated line)
“The terrorist is getting away with the WMD.”
- Carson: The terrorist is getting away with the WMD.
- Joe: I got him! (Fires a rocket at the terrorist. It misses and hits the Eiffel Tower causing it to collapse into the ‘Arc de Triomphe‘, completing the original goal of the terrorists.)
- Joe: Damn, I missed him!
Don’t Get Captured
- Spottswoode: Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you, prisoner, well, you’ll probably want to take your own life. Here, you’d better have this. (Hands Gary a hammer.)
The True Ugliness Of Human Nature
- Kim Jong Il: When you see Arec Barrwin, you will see the true ugriness of human nature.
“You can’t blame yourself for what gorillas did.”
- Lisa: Gary, you can’t blame yourself for what gorillas did.
- Joe: Shit! I’ve got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
- Gary Johnston: Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
- Terrorist: Ahhh! Derka derka derka! (Allows Gary into terrorist hideout)
CLICK TO TWEET
Promises & Lies
- Lisa: Promise me you’ll never die.
- Gary Johnston: You know I can’t promise that.
- Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
- Gary Johnston: I promise I’ll never die.
“Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!”
- Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Alec Baldwin Is Worthless
- Kim Jong Il: You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!
The FAG Way
- Alec Baldwin: By following the rules of the Film Actor’s Guild, the world can become a better place; that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning; that, is the FAG way. One day you’ll all look at the world us actors created and say, “wow, good going FAG. You really made the world a better place, didntcha, FAG?”
It’s Lonely At The Top
- Kim Jong Il: I’m so ronery.
Worse Than 911
- Kim Jong Il: It will be 911 times 2356.
- Chris: My God, that’s… I don’t even know what that is!
- Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!
- Helen Hunt: Let’s go, bitch. I’ve done action films!
“There is no ‘I’ in Team America!”
- Spottswoode: Remember! There is no ‘I’ in Team America!
- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: Yes there is.
“I’ve got Alec Baldwin!”
- Joe: Your plan will fail! You’ll never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!
- Kim Jong Il: Oh no? I’ve got Arec Barrwin!
- Joe: Dear God!
- Janeane Garofalo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it’s our own opinion.
That’s Why They Call It Acting
- Susan Sarandon: Oh thank god. We have to stop the ceremony! Kim Jong-Il is mad! Here let me loose. I will show you where the theater is!
- Chris: All right!
- Gary: No! Chris stay away from her!
- Chris: Fuck you! She wants to help us.
- Gary: No Chris. She is acting.
- Susan Sarandon: I am not. The others tied me up because I won’t go along with their plans!
- Gary: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
- Susan Sarandon: You shall die a peasant’s death!
- (Susan Sarandon is shot off a balcony and splatters on the ground below)
- Chris: Jesus titty fucking Christ! I could have sworn she was telling the truth!
- Gary: That’s why they call it acting.
“Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.”
Spottswoode: Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.
CLICK TO TWEET
“This is a nice limo.”
- Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
- Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
Committed To The Team
- Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
- Joe: Uh… All right then. Let’s move.
“You had me at “dicks f**k assholes.”
- Gary Johnston: We’re dicks! We’re reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-Il is an asshole. Pussies don’t like dicks, because pussies get f**ked by dicks. But dicks also f**k assholes – assholes who just want to sh*t on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can f**k an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they f**k too much, or f**k when it isn’t appropriate – and it takes a pussy to show ’em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of sh*t that they become assholes themselves because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don’t know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don’t let us f**k this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in sh*t.
- Lisa: (To Gary) You had me at “dicks f**k assholes”.
NERD NOTE: Team America had extreme difficulty in securing an acceptable rating for widespread theatrical release. Despite being resubmitted over 9 times with edits, the Motion Picture Association of America repeatedly gave the film an NC-17 rating. It finally received an R rating for violence, strong language and “graphic crude and sexual humor… all involving puppets”.
Everyone Has AIDS!
Everyone has AIDS!
AIDS AIDS AIDS!
AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS!
Everyone has AIDS!
And so this is the end of our story
And everyone is dead from AIDS
It took from me my best friend
My only true pal
My only bright star (he died of AIDS)
Well I’m gonna march on Washington
Lead the fight and charge the brigades
There’s a hero inside of all of us
I’ll make them see everyone has AIDS
My father (AIDS!)
My sister (AIDS!)
My uncle and my cousin and her best friend (AIDS AIDS AIDS!)
The gays and the straights
And the white and the spades
Everyone has AIDS!
My grandma and my dog ‘ol blue (AIDS AIDS AIDS)
The pope has got it and so do you (AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS)
C’mon everybody we’ve got quilting to do (AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS)
We gotta break down these barricades, everyone has
AIDS! x 20
Pearl Harbor Sucked
I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that’s an awful lot
And now, now you’ve gone away
And all I’m trying to say
Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He’s way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
And that movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more than I miss you