Teenage girls freaked when One Direction showed up during the monologue on last week’s “Saturday Night Live” to sing a rendition of “Afternoon Delight” with host Paul Rudd and his “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues” co-stars Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, and David Koechner. But I freaked at the end of the episode, when “SNL” vets Ferrell and Koechner reprised one of the great underrated skits in the show’s history: “The Brasky buddies.” As bucktoothed, drunks telling increasingly tall tales of Bill Brasky (“He’s a 10-foot tall beast man who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi,” as they once put it), the pair was joined by Rudd and current castmembers Taran Killam and Kenan Thompson in the Brasky adulation. Before we all watch tonight’s episode with host John Goodman (who has made a fine Brasky buddy himself before, by the way) and forget this skit again, here are my favorite Brasky quotes of all-time, in no particular order.
“Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!”
“Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!”
“Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!”
“One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Bill Brasky! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘Billbrasky’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!’”
“He’d eat a homeless person if you dared him!”
“His poop is used as currency in Argentina.”
“He sweats Gatorade”
“He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.”
“He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! …….And he hated irony!”
“I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.”
“He sheds his skin once a year.”
“He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia.”
“He did 3 tours in ‘Nam…… I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it’s Ho Tran Brasky!”
“I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.”
“His favorite movie is ‘One on One’ with Robby Benson.”
“He sleeps eight hours a night! …….. well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.”
“Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, ‘Here we are.’ We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found em!’”
“Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack…a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.”
“He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.”
“He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.”
“They found $60 in change in his stomach.”
“He did all the makeup on the ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie.”
“He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault.”
“They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep.”
“He date raped David Bowie.”
“He once inhaled a seagull.”
“The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.”
“It was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.”
“He once had sex with a cigarette machine.”
“He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.”
“He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.”
“He once ate the Bible while water skiing.”
“He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.”
“He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!”
“You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!”
“He has dandruff the size of mice!”
“He jogged with a fridge on his back!”
“Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!”
“His first name is Bill! ……. I’m drunk.”
“He’s a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.”
“He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen.”
“He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he’s going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives…except Fleagle.”
“We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.”
“Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart.”
“He has a toenail on the end of his penis.”
“Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms.”
“Brasky’s family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.”
“Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, ‘The King & I?’ On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.”
“He breastfeeds John Madden.”
“Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.”
“If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky’s nipple, it plays the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds.’”
“They use Brasky’s foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium.”
“Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.”
“All the ‘Yes’ album covers are Brasky family photos.”
“He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would’ve happened sometime.”
“Brasky’s semen can form into a liquid human – like the guy from ‘Terminator 2′”
“Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.”
“He thinks then iron man is gay.”
“He framed Roger Rabbit.”
“The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky – except for the apple tree planting and not raping men.”
“He gave a handjob to a manta ray.”
“Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son? He shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol’ Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, ‘I’ll baptize that piece of calimari!’ Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, ‘There! You’re baptized!’”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery? He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I’m chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol’ Brasky, he’s back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’s a beautiful girl. Well, Brasky shows up and you know he’s a big fella. Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We spend the weekend in the Poconos – he loves me like I’ve never been loved before!”
“You know how Brasky served three tours in ‘Nam? Well, I’m in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it’s Ho Tran Brasky!”
“I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie! Debbie Brasky. She’s 7-years-old, goes about 3’5”, 55 pounds. So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – “Billbrasky!” It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!”
“I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.”
“His favorite movie is “One on One” with Robby Benson.”
“Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!”
“To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office? Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter, I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.â€
“One time I asked Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. Yeah, that’s them, that’s them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa reaches into his bag and says: I’ve got goodies for you kids. He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says: There is no Santa ’cause I ate him.â€
“He sheds his skin once a year.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Brasky, but there weren’t any horses around? Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well wouldn’t you know it my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeders Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m running in second place, and I’m running and I break my ankle! Theyâ€™re about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, â€˜God bless him, don’t shoot him he’s a human.â€™â€
“You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.â€
“Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell.
“His favorite TV movie is The Boy in the Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta.â€
“He had a four day heart attack! …Yeah, a day for every chamber! â€¦When they did the autopsy, they said his heart was like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese! â€¦They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach!
“I remember one time Brasky took his family to Sea Worldâ€¦ they were watching Shamu the whale when Brasky got splashed! So Brasky yells, “I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!” So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, “How do you like it?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there and finish the show!
“He taught me how to love a woman – and how to scold a child.
“He had dandruff the size of mice!
“Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, â€˜Always leave things the way you found them!
“He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up the road.â€
“He had nine children, all of ’em boys!â€
“He sired a baseball team â€¦An orchestra, if you count the bastards!
“Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky? Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, â€˜All in all, I prefer gin!
“He used to jog around the block with a fridge on his back!
“He loved extension cords!
“He grew a third arm and kept it in a vault!
“So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.