1. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
2. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. – Dave Barry
3. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. – José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
4. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
5. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. – Mark Twain
6. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. – Anonymous
7. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips
8. I don’t hate you… I just don’t like that you exist. – Gena Showalter
9. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx
10. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan
11. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
12. The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball
13. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright
14. Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. – Golda Meir
15. I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together. – Charles Dickens
16. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. – Rodney Dangerfield
17. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas. – Claude Pepper
18. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
19. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle
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20. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
21. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams
22. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety- seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres
23. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. – Robert Benchley
24. I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are. – Jarod Kintz
25. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!! – Bill Watterson
26. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot
27. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby
28. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? – Scott Adams
29. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us. – Anonymous
30. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. – Clarence Darrow
31. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower
32. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. – H. L. Mencken
33. It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. – Marilyn Monroe
34. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw
35. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West
36. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
37. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
38. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! – Billy Connolly
39. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carey
40. A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. – Charles Gordy
41. You can’t shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond! – Eric Thomas
42. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus
43. Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. – William Goldman
44. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. – Rose MacAulay
45. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott
46. Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. – Markus Herz
47. Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. – Frank Moore Colby
48. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. – Andy Borowitz
49. There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny. – Jon Macks
50. At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers
51. The truth hurts, and so would you if you were stretched as much. – Anonymous
52. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. – Ann Landers
53. I don’t have a funny bone in my body; now I know why my surgeon’s bills are so high. – Rory R. Cuphist
54. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov
55. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen
56. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke
57. Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. – Charles M. Schulz
58. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. – Ashleigh Brilliant
59. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller
60. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. – Betty White
61. Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty. – Thomas Sowell
